It’s 3:30 a.m. and you’re awake again grieving the relationship that didn’t work out. You start to think your needs shouldn’t have ruled the relationship. “Maybe it was my constant whining?” You decide to go down and eat a comforting pint of Rocky Road. After you’ve scarfed your second bag of marshmallows, you decide to berate yourself for gaining that 10 pounds of heartbreak.
Heartbreak is devastating for almost every human. The kind of heartbreak that makes your chest shrink and your stomach churn—all the while the refrigerator becomes your best friend. Even though you may know the relationship ended for a legitimate reason, you can’t help but think that your new pixie haircut was the final draw.
After all, they told you it was “forever”. That they “never had this connection before”. So what was it? After hours of self-reflection, you decide you’re not worthy of love or connection. You feel worthless and ugly. It’s as if all the kind words that were exchanged between you and them were fake, and your relationship was inauthentic from the beginning—a lie.
Regardless of how terrible you might feel…there is good news. Your thoughts are just that—thoughts. Most scenarios you visualize are neither real or valid. For some reason, humans like to torture themselves by putting the breakup entirely on their own actions. However, we do choose how we are going to view the breakup—both good and bad.
The most important thing to remember—there is a lesson in the breakup. I think breakups are the best ways to grow. I know you don’t want to hear this, but breakups cause you to dig deep inside your insecurities. Even though it’s hard to look at these qualities of ourselves—it’s even more important to recognize the things you weren’t getting and what you really want out of a partner. Knowing what you don’t want is the best way to discover what you do want and need.
You may think your ex had every quality you wanted. However, the relationship has come to a close for a reason—indicating it no longer served you. If it was meant to be, those things that were causing problems would have tested the relationship, but proved to be worth the fight. If the person isn’t willing to fight for the relationship, then it isn’t as important to them as it was to you. This may be hard to swallow, but it should also bring awareness to the fact that you deserve more. You deserve the fight and you deserve to be loved.
You may say you believe you’re worth more, but many of us still struggle with the self-worth it takes to keep a relationship healthy, safe and progressive. If you don’t believe you are worth more, you will attract those people who treat you as such (unworthy of love). Sick people attract sick people. It’s only when you are ready to accept your worthiness that you will attract someone who is worth your time and effort.
Sometimes it’s hard to admit you might not have been the right person for your ex. You might even try to create scenarios where you win them back. However, having false hopes will stunt the growth that is needed to heal and rediscover the better version of yourself. The more pain you feel, the more you learn to sit with the discomfort of being single. I know it sucks and it hurts, but it’s necessary to move through pain. By feeling the pain, you allow yourself to honor your feelings and regain the hope and strength to make next relationship better.
Whatever you do—do not contact your ex. Allow some space for them and you to heal. Once you’ve accepted the relationship served its purpose for the time, and you have learned to appreciate the lessons it taught you–it’s time to move on to better things. Like yourself! Now is the time to do anything and all the things that you ever wanted for yourself. Dance in your underwear, get in shape or reconnect with friends. Whatever makes you feel happy and productive. Appreciate this time of discovery. Know your value. Know your needs. More importantly, know better things are coming—and I don’t mean the new and improved Rocky Road.