There have been numerous TV Shows that have portrayed women in very specific ways. I like to think of it as “The Scooby Doo Archetypes.” I don’t know about you, but personally I’m a solid combo of Velma and Daphne—my Scooby Doo idols. I mean Daphne was fashionable and intelligent. She had the hot boyfriend. Whereas, Velma was a little nerdy and eccentric. But, don’t devalue her amazing hipster glasses—this girl was a MacGyver with knee-socks. So what female qualities do you resonate with?
I can confidently say each female will fit into several kinds of category: the goofball, the beauty, the jock, the powerhouse, the wild thing, the professor, the mother, the therapist, the goody-two-shoes, the free-spirit, and the minimalist. I’m aware categorizing women leads to judgmental labeling, but it’s also accurate and hilarious. I could literally write an SNL skit about these types of bitches.
I know the word “bitch” isn’t nice, but as a female, I have earned the right to say bitches. I compare it to kicking someone’s ass for bulling your brother and then kicking his ass later for eating your Doritos. I can call him a douche, but you can’t. Being a sister I have a right to defend my brother and later deliver an epic wedgie.
Just like a sister can play two roles– other bitches play other roles too. Sometimes it’s defender, perpetrator or maybe instigator–depending on the context. I find that most women are usually dominant in two or more categories (listed above) depending on what aspects holds precedent over the others. For instance, my spectrum looks something like this: goofball, therapist, jock. These are all strong qualities that comprise my personality and spirit. Sometimes labels are useful because they allow us to tap into the mindsets and mental processes of human nature. It seems trite, but categorizing particular aspects of our female archetypes can actually help us relate to other females.
It’s not just about labeling; it’s about seeing the commonalities in female dynamics. If you think about it—every woman has certain aspects of their spirit and psyche. I mean if you dig the tarot, there are several types of decks on Goddesses. This is for good measure. Just like Carl Jung talked about the female and male aspects of the psyche—we’re going to narrow in on our female side. The Greeks might have mentioned Athena or Aphrodite. The reasons they are vital to our fierce and nurturing nature is they allow us to tap into our inner wisdom(Athena.) Whereas, Aphrodite inspires me to wear that sexy halter top and fumble in those heels.
It’s much easier to understand why a free-spirit/therapist might ghost you after you giggling at someone’s self-loving mantras during a Winter Solstice ceremony. Every human on the planet holds certain values at different levels of importance. Recognizing the mother/professor in a woman might allow you to be more tolerant of her over-bearing pep-talk and “communication-in-the-workplace” advice about why you didn’t receive that promotion.
So loosen up and let’s poke-fun at some of these hilarities. In order list your qualities in order of importance, I’m going to explain in more detail about these simplified categories. Remember ladies, this isn’t science. It’s ridiculous, and insightful. Have fun with it, smile, and appreciate your differences. Each quality is a gift and influences how you relate to your intimate friendship and relationships. That’s my goofball/therapist inside me.
The Goofball: Goofballs are comedians. They are actually amazing mediators, because they are able to connect people and their differences by finding the humor in a shitty situation. They are natural entertainers and can attract a large group like bees to a honeycomb. They are magnetic and entertaining. They hold their humor in high-esteem and question those who they cannot make laugh. “There’s something strange about that guy.”
The Beauty: Beauties are the make-up artists. They are the women who always want to give you a make-over or go shopping. They have a list of possible candidates for “What Not to Wear.” Woman often admire their fashion confidence, and men think they look smokin’ hot in their red heels. They are usually generous with their closet and are happy to loan you the perfect “little black dress.”
The Jock: They are good at almost every sport, and usually pick-up athletic skills very easily. They are highly-coordinated and have no-trouble jumping into a new athletic endeavor. They usually have a high-pain tolerance and don’t mind the physical torture they must endure to get better at whatever sport in which they are participating. Sometimes they can be intimidating and can come across overbearing. After all many women just want to look good in their bathing suits and could give two shits about their squat max.
The Powerhouse: The powerhouse is the most confident woman of them all. She has a great, well-paying job, she is typically an extrovert—but not necessarily. She was the one who was voted “the most likely to succeed in high school.” She isn’t afraid of conducting conversation with complete strangers, because she feels pretty good in her own skin. She is more logical about matters of the heart, because she finds it ridiculous that anyone wouldn’t put their well-being first. Not saying she isn’t compassionate, but she is definitely more grounded about making decisions based on fact rather than emotions.
The Wild Thing: This is the girl who knows how to party. She can stay up all night, sleep 3 hours, and power through work like a pro. The Wild Thing always wants you to “lighten up” or “have some fun” and even though you might not be able to keep up—these women teach us to celebrate and enjoy. Even though sometimes this might involve hooking your bra around a bullhorn at the nearby watering hole. What’s wrong? Sometimes, you need to free your lady bits and evaluate your lasso skills!
Even though these wild ladies are lots of fun, they can sometimes encourage naughty behavior like having that one-too many drinks after a long work week. It’s important to set boundaries and trust your instincts if you feel you are being peer pressured for that next Mai Thai.
The Professor—the professors are always reading and researching. The professor finds joy in finding answers in their newest self-help book on “Buddhist Gone Wild.” They have an answer to everything, and it’s usually research-based or feedback from some angsty mid-life guru. Professors are usually academics or the student who always received straight A’s, unless studying one night interfered with their speech and debate preparation. Professors are the ones who volunteer to help you study for that Chemistry test—after all, it benefits them to show extra volunteer work on their MIT application.
The Mother—Mothers are the nurturers. Mothers like to offer advice to protect you. They are usually extremely caring and empaths. The can see and feel other’s pain, and as a result of this, want to kiss your boo boo. Mothers are available at all hours of the night for numerous challenges: break-ups, illnesses, designated drivers, suicidal thoughts, etc. If you are in pain—they are the Ibuprofen. Mothers should be cherished. They are usually the most giving, caring and reliable of all female attributes.
The Therapist—The therapist has read every self-help book on the planet. They are the women who love to listen to your problems, and give you tips that came straight from the source—usually Eckhart Tolle. They get a rush for helping people recognize their previous traumas. Therapists often have had many traumas themselves; therefore, they want to share the same useful insight they learned from their counselor with you. Therapists are extremely insightful and great at recognizing toxic patterns and behaviors. They also are available at any time of night for late-night cry fests.
The Goody-Two Shoes—These are the rule followers, and they don’t break them. They are honest to a fault. These are the ladies who don’t skinny dip, because it’s lude and illegal. The typically look clean, well-groomed and dress simply. They are Groupon freaks, party planners and Pinterest junkies. They are the one you will hire to organize the bake sale for your son’s football fundraiser. Or apologizes for their messy house that makes Mr. Clean look like a hoarder.
The Negative Nancy’s—these are the people you want to limit in your life. They are always looking for the tragedy in a situation. They can be emotional vampires and they suck your joyful nectar dry. They are typically gossipers. They have a hard time saying no—but often cause their own demise because they overbook themselves. They are passive aggressive and would rather bitch about you than confront you about something you did to piss them off. If you are a Nancy. Stop it.
The Free-Spirit—The Free Spirit is always looking for adventure. These are usually the outdoorsy people or your best friend who’s traveling Tibet. They are usually found driving a Subaru wall-papered with old Luna Bar wrappers. They might smoke rolled tobacco or even something more special. There’s a part of you that admires their apathy towards wearing Chaco’s to their best friend’s wedding. Many can be found refusing to wear sunscreen. They can be seen with a “Namaste” bumper sticker.
The Minimalist—is the friend who keeps a camping stove that doesn’t ignite without duct tape around the fuel can. There is always a way to re-use and recycle. At some point in their life—they lived outside to save money. They will turn around to pick up a wrapper that has blown out of the car…or have to take an Ativan after forgetting their reusable shopping bags. However, they are extremely mindful of their waste and do a great job of reducing their carbon footprint. They are passionate about preserving our resources and usually are involved in some type of food co-op, promote hand-washed diapers and grow their own spices.
Now that you understand some of the characteristics of the categories that I’ve created, I want you to think about how some of these might influence the way you react to certain situations. Every woman holds different values in different areas. One of the things to take into consideration is why these loved ones and friends say and do the types of things they do. It’s about creating compassion for someone’s differences.
If you have been chosen to be a bride’s maid and are now responsible for organizing a bachelorette party—you need to put away your goody-two-shoes and embrace a little wild thing. Or even better, choose a wild thing to help. If you are holding the party outside and want to keep it simple and green—the minimalist can help reduce trash, and has good tips on how to save money while keeping it pretty and waste-free (or at least recyclable). A mother will organize a designated driver or Uber service. The beauty will help you create an epic outfit.
Therefore, it’s not about labeling our female counterparts. It’s about learning to be appreciative towards other’s traits and gifts. If we can learn to accept each of our differences, we can learn to be loving instead of judgmental. Supporting each other instead of bashing each other is the way to unite as women. Believe me, in this society, we need as much support and love as we can get. And yes, that’s the therapist in me.