, , ,

Mystical Moon: I am My Own “Badass”

Two female roller derby girls looking tough

Most of us have to [consciously]do a lot of emotional work to uncover the truth beneath layers of denial. This is hard work. It’s tough to be willing to weed-out the negativity within and replace with divine tranquility. You can begin by remembering a traumatic experience. Was this so overwhelming you did everything you could to avoid feeling? What are some of the things you did to evade these feelings? Was it substance use? Was it sex? Maybe you kept so busy– there was no time to process these feelings.

Trying to escape pain, means rejecting those feelings and rejecting a part of yourself. I have found that the feelings are not external like experiences. Because it’s all internal feelings, this will create an undercurrent that influences future experiences. In other words, it’s an attempt to get your attention. Feelings are actually responses to help protect you. To work through these buried feelings, you’re working on reclaiming these lost parts of yourself. This is the work necessary to regain your happiness.

As a Cancerian child, my mother was extremely uncomfortable with my emotional capacity as I expressed myself through all of my feelings. Our environments can highly influence our feelings. My environment was difficult with a severely depressed mother. She once held up a mirror to my chubby little face and said aloud “look at how ugly you are when you cry.” Her words would stay with me to this day “you’re so ugly.”

Due to this upbringing, I developed self-defenses which were really survival mechanisms. I had to always be the strong one. Makes sense I took on this role, because I had to carry on despite my toxic environment. Nothing could get through my armor of protection– not even me. I am guilty of shutting down any feelings that feel uncomfortable. In turn, this has led to repressed feelings for most of my childhood and adult life. This was my way of controlling my emotions– just shut them down; however, this plan backfired. It became more exhausting emotionally to wear the armor then evade the pain I felt. Eventually, I felt everything all at once. Tough times when you’re trying to make sense of years of repressed hurt, anger, and sadness. Especially with a tremendous lack of self-love.

Decades later, I played a couple of years for a local roller derby league. During this time, I was able to utilize a lot of pent-up anger and rage. This was another distraction for a significant amount of time. Channeling this anger with roller derby, where strategy and aggression go hand-in-hand, was a useful outlet. I could remain calm under stressful gameplay; I was embraced as a rock that could perform under stress. Really, it was ego driven by my intense competition to win.

Girl checking another player in roller derby bout

One of my first bouts. I’m pretty sure it’s an “elbow” call, but the fierceness is definitely there.

I loved playing the role of the magical unicorn who could perform and with luck (ironically, my derby name is Good Luck Harm “Lucky”) to get the points and focus on victory. All I had to do was channel all of my anger, use my skate skills and [with the help of my blockers] harness the fight in me to get the job done. Stress much? That is a lot of pressure to endure game after game. I was your ride or die skater that would pour my heart out on the track. My biggest cheerleader is my derby wife (Honey Guns aka Saucy Super Fox,) she admired my ability to be so fierce and still encourage others to unleash their inner badass. She is a true inspiration and MVP for being both vulnerable and strong, she makes it look so easy!

After time had passed, I realized (for me) it wasn’t a sustainable way of playing a sport, because it led to countless hours of practice, training, competing and eventually—“derby burn out.” All distractions can serve a purpose for a long time, but eventually, you need to face the facts that it’s a temporary fix for a lifetime of suppressed feelings.

IMG_8066

Transforming means finding your darkness, accepting your denial and being open to forgiveness. Fill yourself with love and light to embrace your truth. My mission is to be fluid with my emotions–leaving behind old judgements or negative inner dialogue.

This is a forever process including relapses and constant reminders that I have come a long way. Now, I focus on being as open and honest and reflect on my progress and stay accountable for the “work”. Every day I am grateful I have the courage to keep doing the work, and I am both vulnerable and strong! Recently someone said to me “Stay strong Mystical Moon, you’re my rock.” My response was “I am nobody’s rock!” I would have taken on that role a long time ago. But I am my own kind of badass now!

Gratitude & Growth

Mystical Moon

0 replies

Leave a Reply

Want to join the discussion?
Feel free to contribute!

Leave a Reply